Can I be real? I mean really real. Embarrassingly real. If you don't like TMI then I would suggest you stop now and move on to a different blog. ;-)
See, here's the thing. I don't like the way I look. No big surprise there. But it goes beyond that. I don't like the way I look naked. At all. I hate it so much in fact that I avoid being naked or even partially undressed with the lights on. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror when I am getting ready to shower or when I am dressing for the day.
It makes me so sad to see the way I look. I remember the way I looked when Steven and I met and then I wonder how he can want to look at me now. When we met I was a size 6(at most) or so. I quickly lost down to a size 2 by the time we were married. I was dancing and quite frankly wasn't eating well. If at all. I was super thin and I still thought I was fat. I vividly remember lamenting how fat I was even though my ribs and hip bones stuck out. It was a sad place to be only I didn't realize it at the time.
Time and life causeed me to gain weight. I have lost it several times but it always seems to creep back on. I know that it is at least partially due to my mental and heart attitude towards myself that is the problem.
Now that I find myself in need of losing 50 pounds again I have to wonder how a man that is visual by nature can even think that I am appealing. Do you know what I mean? I don't doubt my husband's love for me but I find it hard to believe that he can look at my body and find that attractive enough to want to be intimate. See I told you it was personal!
Does anybody know what I am talking about? I don't even want to see me naked so why would he? I am so embarrassed by the bulges, cottage cheese, stretch marks, and general flabbiness that I would rather him not even see it. Let alone touch it. I just can't believe that he loves me that much. Ya know?
I know that I need to trust him with this but it is hard. It is so hard. I wonder if he wishes for the way I used to look. And then a paralyzing fear that he can't stand the way I look now overtakes me and I feel even worse about myself. ugh
Can anyone relate?