Can I be real? I mean really real. Embarrassingly real. If you don't like TMI then I would suggest you stop now and move on to a different blog. ;-)
See, here's the thing. I don't like the way I look. No big surprise there. But it goes beyond that. I don't like the way I look naked. At all. I hate it so much in fact that I avoid being naked or even partially undressed with the lights on. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror when I am getting ready to shower or when I am dressing for the day.
It makes me so sad to see the way I look. I remember the way I looked when Steven and I met and then I wonder how he can want to look at me now. When we met I was a size 6(at most) or so. I quickly lost down to a size 2 by the time we were married. I was dancing and quite frankly wasn't eating well. If at all. I was super thin and I still thought I was fat. I vividly remember lamenting how fat I was even though my ribs and hip bones stuck out. It was a sad place to be only I didn't realize it at the time.
Time and life causeed me to gain weight. I have lost it several times but it always seems to creep back on. I know that it is at least partially due to my mental and heart attitude towards myself that is the problem.
Now that I find myself in need of losing 50 pounds again I have to wonder how a man that is visual by nature can even think that I am appealing. Do you know what I mean? I don't doubt my husband's love for me but I find it hard to believe that he can look at my body and find that attractive enough to want to be intimate. See I told you it was personal!
Does anybody know what I am talking about? I don't even want to see me naked so why would he? I am so embarrassed by the bulges, cottage cheese, stretch marks, and general flabbiness that I would rather him not even see it. Let alone touch it. I just can't believe that he loves me that much. Ya know?
I know that I need to trust him with this but it is hard. It is so hard. I wonder if he wishes for the way I used to look. And then a paralyzing fear that he can't stand the way I look now overtakes me and I feel even worse about myself. ugh
Can anyone relate?
I can't relate completely, but I do understand what you feel. I do ask myself those questions sometimes too. One thing that helps me though: My husband has changed too - he isn't as skinny as he was, he isn't perfectly fit, but it doesn't disgust me and I still desire him. When I get too worried over it, I ask him. He is honest with me and doesn't pretend that I am skinny or anything, but he does reassure me of his desire and love. We as women sometimes forget that men don't necessarily desire the woman that the world puts out as perfect. Those changes in your body - the stretch marks and cellulite - are part of your life together as well. They might not be as offensive to him because they are part of your life with him. The image of perfection the world currently embraces is a recent thing, and women have often been considered beautiful with imperfect, chubby bodies. Your husband is probably attracted to the package of your physical looks, your personality, and your shared memories and life.
ReplyDelete