Friday, April 22, 2011

My Week

Well, it's Friday and I am happy to say that this was a pretty good week. I worked out everyday this week except today. I ate well with small portions and drank my water each day. I can feel small changes already like when I'm walking up the stairs. I am not trudgeing up the stairs feeling the weight of my weight; I am going up more easily and quickly. Plus, I lost 5 pounds this week! I know some of that was/is water weight but I'm okay with that. :-)

I am well on my way to losing that 10 pounds in two weeks.

This weekend we are going to spend time with family for Easter and if I can make it through that without overeating I'll be good! lol

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Baring it all

Can I be real? I mean really real. Embarrassingly real. If you don't like TMI then I would suggest you stop now and move on to a different blog. ;-)

See, here's the thing. I don't like the way I look. No big surprise there. But it goes beyond that. I don't like the way I look naked. At all. I hate it so much in fact that I avoid being naked or even partially undressed with the lights on. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror when I am getting ready to shower or when I am dressing for the day.

It makes me so sad to see the way I look. I remember the way I looked when Steven and I met and then I wonder how he can want to look at me now. When we met I was a size 6(at most) or so. I quickly lost down to a size 2 by the time we were married. I was dancing and quite frankly wasn't eating well. If at all. I was super thin and I still thought I was fat. I vividly remember lamenting how fat I was even though my ribs and hip bones stuck out. It was a sad place to be only I didn't realize it at the time.

Time and life causeed me to gain weight. I have lost it several times but it always seems to creep back on. I know that it is at least partially due to my mental and heart attitude towards myself that is the problem.

Now that I find myself in need of losing 50 pounds again I have to wonder how a man that is visual by nature can even think that I am appealing. Do you know what I mean? I don't doubt my husband's love for me but I find it hard to believe that he can look at my body and find that attractive enough to want to be intimate. See I told you it was personal!

Does anybody know what I am talking about? I don't even want to see me naked so why would he? I am so embarrassed by the bulges, cottage cheese, stretch marks, and general flabbiness that I would rather him not even see it. Let alone touch it. I just can't believe that he loves me that much. Ya know?

I know that I need to trust him with this but it is hard. It is so hard. I wonder if he wishes for the way I used to look. And then a paralyzing fear that he can't stand the way I look now overtakes me and I feel even worse about myself. ugh

Can anyone relate?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Great Start to the Week

As promised, I have started in earnest once again. I didn't get started on Sunday. Instead I chose to rest as much as possible before the kids came home. I did watch my food intake, though, so that's something. Right? Of course right!

I also decided to check in every couple of days to keep myself accountable for working out. Feel free to send me a note and ask me how it's going if you don't see an update for a few days. Sometimes we all need a kick in the sixth point of contact!

On Monday I worked out for 30 minutes, watched my portions sizes, and drank between 72 and 84oz of water. I did not get enough sleep last night. Just about 4 hours. :( I have to do better with that tonight.

Today, I worked out for 45 minutes! Woohoo!! I exercised control over my portions and have just over 72oz of water for the day. I also scrubbed my shower for 20 minutes. I am so counting that towards my workout time for today. heehee

My muscles are sore from re-starting my workouts and it feels good. I only wish I would have started sooner so that I would have lost more weight in time for Easter. But, I didn't so there's no point in moaning and groaning about it.

This is where I am now and I am choosing to go down a different path from here on out. Anybody else out there working out? How ya doing?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Reality Check

I really hate it when reality invades my nice little dream world. You know the one. It's the world where I really look like the picture in my head and I can pick any clothes I want to off of the rack and they will fit. Any style, any size. It is a wonderful world that I love living in.

Today the bubble burst.

It was quite disheartening. It made me sad. I am pretty sure that I went through the stages of grief right there in the dressing room. I didn't actually break down and cry, but I really thought about it. As I was looking in the mirror, reality was seeping in and breaking the myth.

I SAW myself...truly saw myself.

On the one hand I wish I hadn't. But on the other hand I'm glad I did. Because, it gave me a new and urgent reason to get my butt off the couch and moving. Seriously moving.

Come tomorrow morning I am starting my new goal of exercising every day. I am not going to set myself up for failure by saying that I have to work out for 45 minutes every day, but I am going to purposely work out every day. I have an elliptical, a treadmill, a step bench, the Wii, more workout videos than I can count...I should be able to find something to do!

My goal is to lose 10 pounds in two weeks. Yup, you read that right. 10 pounds in two weeks. More if I can manage it the right way. My ultimate goal is 20+ pounds by June.

I want to be able to go on vacation and wear shorts with confidence. I want to wear a sundress and not worry about my arms showing.

I be healthy.

So, here goes. I am choosing to live with the ugly reality that I see in the mirror. I know that that image is not who I am, it is not me. But it is what I look like. And I don't like it. But the only person that can do anything about it is me.

So I will.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Ugh, Again

Well, it seems that I have done it again.  I haven't posted in, well, a long time.  Last week I had Bronchitis-again.  I was pretty sick and in bed most of the week.  I am glad to say that the previous problem I was having with my intestinal track has relieved somewhat.  (heehee on the choice of words!)  It is not completely fixed but much better.  :-D

I haven't exercised at all.  Unless you count coughing as exercise!  We had an extra child for the weekend and I was chasing after her for two days.  Other than that-nothing.  :(  ugh

I have come to another aha moment though. 

I call it "Why I quit watching Biggest Loser"

I used to love that show.  I still do, mostly.   However, after watching the show I found that would get depressed and down on myself for days afterward.  Everyone sees it as such an inspirational show but it is depressing to me.  I see the people on that show and they are losing amazing amounts of weight and having huge successes and that is great.  Really it is.  But it is not reality.  They are in the gym for 7-8 hours a day with personal trainers and professional nutritionists to help with their food...what do I have?  Not that, that's for sure.  I just have my little own will power and a kitchen full of food that the Biggest Loser people would probably throw away.  I can't keep watching this show.  When I see them losing 10 lbs a week and I lose nothing, it is...ugh, awful. 

I know, I know, it's not fair to compare myself and my life to theirs on the show but I do.  I can't help it.  And when I don't lose any weight in a week I get upset with myself and quit.  How is that helping me?  it isn't.

So, I quit watching it. 

I wish them all well and am glad that they can lose the weight and change their lives.  But it is just not reality. 

Now, if they made a show about moderately overweight, lazy people that lose weight only a few pounds at a time over an excruciatingly long period of time with too many setbacks to count then I'm in!