Baring it all

Can I be real? I mean really real. Embarrassingly real. If you don't like TMI then I would suggest you stop now and move on to a different blog. ;-)

See, here's the thing. I don't like the way I look. No big surprise there. But it goes beyond that. I don't like the way I look naked. At all. I hate it so much in fact that I avoid being naked or even partially undressed with the lights on. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror when I am getting ready to shower or when I am dressing for the day.

It makes me so sad to see the way I look. I remember the way I looked when Steven and I met and then I wonder how he can want to look at me now. When we met I was a size 6(at most) or so. I quickly lost down to a size 2 by the time we were married. I was dancing and quite frankly wasn't eating well. If at all. I was super thin and I still thought I was fat. I vividly remember lamenting how fat I was even though my ribs and hip bones stuck out. It was a sad place to be only I didn't realize it at the time.

Time and life causeed me to gain weight. I have lost it several times but it always seems to creep back on. I know that it is at least partially due to my mental and heart attitude towards myself that is the problem.

Now that I find myself in need of losing 50 pounds again I have to wonder how a man that is visual by nature can even think that I am appealing. Do you know what I mean? I don't doubt my husband's love for me but I find it hard to believe that he can look at my body and find that attractive enough to want to be intimate. See I told you it was personal!

Does anybody know what I am talking about? I don't even want to see me naked so why would he? I am so embarrassed by the bulges, cottage cheese, stretch marks, and general flabbiness that I would rather him not even see it. Let alone touch it. I just can't believe that he loves me that much. Ya know?

I know that I need to trust him with this but it is hard. It is so hard. I wonder if he wishes for the way I used to look. And then a paralyzing fear that he can't stand the way I look now overtakes me and I feel even worse about myself. ugh

Can anyone relate?

Great Start to the Week

As promised, I have started in earnest once again. I didn't get started on Sunday. Instead I chose to rest as much as possible before the kids came home. I did watch my food intake, though, so that's something. Right? Of course right!

I also decided to check in every couple of days to keep myself accountable for working out. Feel free to send me a note and ask me how it's going if you don't see an update for a few days. Sometimes we all need a kick in the sixth point of contact!

On Monday I worked out for 30 minutes, watched my portions sizes, and drank between 72 and 84oz of water. I did not get enough sleep last night. Just about 4 hours. :( I have to do better with that tonight.

Today, I worked out for 45 minutes! Woohoo!! I exercised control over my portions and have just over 72oz of water for the day. I also scrubbed my shower for 20 minutes. I am so counting that towards my workout time for today. heehee

My muscles are sore from re-starting my workouts and it feels good. I only wish I would have started sooner so that I would have lost more weight in time for Easter. But, I didn't so there's no point in moaning and groaning about it.

This is where I am now and I am choosing to go down a different path from here on out. Anybody else out there working out? How ya doing?

Reality Check

I really hate it when reality invades my nice little dream world. You know the one. It's the world where I really look like the picture in my head and I can pick any clothes I want to off of the rack and they will fit. Any style, any size. It is a wonderful world that I love living in.

Today the bubble burst.

It was quite disheartening. It made me sad. I am pretty sure that I went through the stages of grief right there in the dressing room. I didn't actually break down and cry, but I really thought about it. As I was looking in the mirror, reality was seeping in and breaking the myth.

I SAW myself...truly saw myself.

On the one hand I wish I hadn't. But on the other hand I'm glad I did. Because, it gave me a new and urgent reason to get my butt off the couch and moving. Seriously moving.

Come tomorrow morning I am starting my new goal of exercising every day. I am not going to set myself up for failure by saying that I have to work out for 45 minutes every day, but I am going to purposely work out every day. I have an elliptical, a treadmill, a step bench, the Wii, more workout videos than I can count...I should be able to find something to do!

My goal is to lose 10 pounds in two weeks. Yup, you read that right. 10 pounds in two weeks. More if I can manage it the right way. My ultimate goal is 20+ pounds by June.

I want to be able to go on vacation and wear shorts with confidence. I want to wear a sundress and not worry about my arms showing.

I want...to be healthy.

So, here goes. I am choosing to live with the ugly reality that I see in the mirror. I know that that image is not who I am, it is not me. But it is what I look like. And I don't like it. But the only person that can do anything about it is me.

So I will.

Ugh, Again

Well, it seems that I have done it again.  I haven't posted in, well, a long time.  Last week I had Bronchitis-again.  I was pretty sick and in bed most of the week.  I am glad to say that the previous problem I was having with my intestinal track has relieved somewhat.  (heehee on the choice of words!)  It is not completely fixed but much better.  :-D

I haven't exercised at all.  Unless you count coughing as exercise!  We had an extra child for the weekend and I was chasing after her for two days.  Other than that-nothing.  :(  ugh

I have come to another aha moment though. 

I call it "Why I quit watching Biggest Loser"

I used to love that show.  I still do, mostly.   However, after watching the show I found that would get depressed and down on myself for days afterward.  Everyone sees it as such an inspirational show but it is depressing to me.  I see the people on that show and they are losing amazing amounts of weight and having huge successes and that is great.  Really it is.  But it is not reality.  They are in the gym for 7-8 hours a day with personal trainers and professional nutritionists to help with their food...what do I have?  Not that, that's for sure.  I just have my little own will power and a kitchen full of food that the Biggest Loser people would probably throw away.  I can't keep watching this show.  When I see them losing 10 lbs a week and I lose nothing, it is...ugh, awful. 

I know, I know, it's not fair to compare myself and my life to theirs on the show but I do.  I can't help it.  And when I don't lose any weight in a week I get upset with myself and quit.  How is that helping me?  it isn't.

So, I quit watching it. 

I wish them all well and am glad that they can lose the weight and change their lives.  But it is just not reality. 

Now, if they made a show about moderately overweight, lazy people that lose weight only a few pounds at a time over an excruciatingly long period of time with too many setbacks to count then I'm in! 

Fit Mommy Friday

Well, it's not been such a good day around my house.  I am getting desperate and I'm not ashamed to say it.  My clothes are getting tighter and my middle is swelling outward at an alarming rate of speed.  I have been drinking my water, eating right, exercising, and trying to cut back on the soda.  It has all gone pretty well but still the expanding waistline and pounds added to my weight.

Why?

I was freaking out.  Seriously.  It is making me depressed. 

Or it was until I figured out what was causing it.  For one it is that lovely time for women that cause us no end of lovely physical problems as well as emotional ones.  The other problem is-now I warn you this is TMI.  Seriously and no kidding.  It's personal.  But it's where I'm at.

I'm constipated.  I don't just mean a day or so, I mean almost a week and half.  Yeah, you read that right.  I'm thinking of calling the doctor on Monday to get some help and relief. I am getting crankier by the day as I put on my clothes and they don't fit.

I am not a happy momma. 

Head on over to Got Chai? to find out what other Fit Momma's are doing.

Fit Mommy Friday

Well I am doing this on my ipad and I am not sure how to do everything yet so I won't have the button- unless I can figure it out! Lol

This week has been better. I have my perspective back, mostly, and that has helped. My eating was much better. Better portion control and better choices. Yay!

My water intake could have been better. Only two days did I get up to my goal of at least 72oz or more but it is better than last week so I'll take it!

Sleep- ugh that is not going well. My hubby snores when his allergies are acting up and thay really have been lately. So that means not very much sleep for me. I am seeing a direct correlation between how much sleep I get with how well I do with eating right and exercising. Goodness knows that I am a good deal crankier when I don't get enough sleep! We are trying to figue this one out, soon. ;-)

Exercising...well the beginning of the week I still couldn't use my arm or move my neck so I didn't start exercising until Thursday. That was after being taken out for my birthday two meals in a row. I'm not sure I have ever felt so disgusting as I did Wednesday night. I was miserable and my clothes weren't fitting right. My jeans were too tight and I was getting more and more depressed. Until God reminded me that He loves me just the way that I am-the way He made me. he is more concerned with the condition of my heart than my jeans size. Now mind you, He reminded me that I needed to be taking better care of the temple but the outer shell that is my body is not who I am.

That was a balm to my soul.

So today when I exercised I thought about His goodness to me and the blessings He has given me and prayed for those that have requested or that He brought to mind. The time went faster and I wasn't focused on me.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to lose 50lbs but the reasons are starting to change.

So I count this as a good week and I can see the sun shining ahead.

That's how I'm doing-how are you doing?

i am going to have to figure out how to add a link but until then click on the Fit Mommy Friday button to go to Got Chai?

:(

Well, I didn't exercise at all this week.  Not one single day.  Why?  Well, this post on my regular blog explains it all.  It has not been a great week.

My clothes are getting tighter and I am getting depressed about the back sliding.  I don't know if I will be able to exercise next week or not.  I may try to walk if the doc says it's ok. 

So not happy.  :(