say what?

I haven't posted here in I don't know how long.

 

I.am.a.failure.

 

But then again, I'm not.

 

I started on THM-Trim Healthy Mama and am doing pretty well. I have lost 21 pounds and am down from a size 14 to an 8. I feel great and my thyroid and calcium are in the normal range now!

 

I have more to go but am on the right track and I am not stopping now.

 

*embarrassed*

Did I say that I was back on the wagon?

I guess I only thought I was.  :(

I got in a pretty bad funk with my eating, exercise, and thoughts.  It was kind of ugly.  I wasn't very easy to be around. 

I hate it when I let Satan win like that.  He plants doubts and seeds of discontent and I let them fester and take root.  I know better.  Christ does not want that for my life.  He wants victory for me.  He wants me to have freedom and peace.

I want my life and body to be perfect.

Those two are probably never going to be joined in the way I want them to be. 

I am once again starting Couch to 5k and using My Fitness Pal.  I am taking my body as it is and accepting me.  Do I like the way I look?  Nope.  Am I going to change it?  I certainly hope so.  But, I am going to focus on my heart and my health.    (again)

yeah, I get off the wagon and on the wagon a lot but I'm a sinful beast that struggles daily with motivation and perseverance.  I want things to be perfect but am unwilling to do the work to get them there.  bleh that tasted bitter just to say it.  But, it's the truth.  Not one I'm proud of but the truth none-the-less. 

So, tomorrow I will be on Day 3 of Week 1, again.  This time it is going better.  I can really tell that I have progressed, even if only a little.  It makes me feel better! lol

Back on the wagon

This morning I started the Couch to 5k over.  It was so hard!  I haven't run for almost three weeks and I can really tell. 

But I did it.

I am doing it again tomorrow so I can get in the groove again.

I need this.

so I am doing it.

Another new beginning

I am starting the Couch to 5k over.  Now that I know that I have exercise induced asthma I can proactively do something about it.  And I will.

I am starting over bc I need to build up more endurance and to work my lungs more w/o putting too much stress on them.

So, I am starting tomorrow with Day 1 Week 1.  I am going to start using MyFitnessPal again.

And I am going to be happy with my life.  :)

not a good week

The week starts on Sunday around here.  That's just what I think is the beginning of the week. 

Anyway...

Sunday night our 6yo fell and hurt her arm.

Monday morning I took her to minor emergency and found out that she broke her arm right up by her elbow. 

Niice.

She is in a half-cast until next week because the swelling was too much to cast it.

She has been in pain all week and frankly quite cranky and whiney.  yeah, I know she has reason but it has made for a long week.

Add on to that all the baking that my 12yo needed to do for Christmas and the freak out session I had trying to find presents at this late date and you get...

No exercise this week.  :(

I did watch my food and water but am feeling sluggish from not working out in any way. 

ugh.

Another week...

This week, well what can I say?  I have not exercised like I wanted to.  My running partner has been sick and in case you didn't know this-it is COLD in Kansas in December!  It has been under 32* every morning and that is just too cold to run in.

I do have a treadmill but I find it hard to run in there and my dd just won't come in there and sit while I run.  Go figure!

But, I have watched what I ate and done very well.  I also have been drinking a lot of water which is proven by the frequent trips to the restroom!

I have spent the week cleaning and working up a sweat by doing it.  :-)  I am feeling better and healthier and can't wait to get even healthier-i.e. smaller sizes and lower numbers on the scale.  lol

Don't forget to head on over to Mrs. White's blog The Legacy of Home and check out all the other great journeys to better health.

Week 7 Day 1

Well, starting Monday I ran for 25 minutes w/o stopping.  I did pretty well until the last minute and a half and then I was hurting.  I also had what seemed to be an asthma attack.  It didn't feel like I was winded my lungs felt like they were squeezing and I couldn't get a full breath.

I finished and sent my dd home for the inhaler.

All was fine until I started running today.  I only made it a little over half-way through when I started not being able to breathe.  I went a little further and then had to stop.  I used the inhaler twice and then continued.  I ended up having to stop another time and slowed down considerably by the end of the run.  But I made it.  My lungs were hurting and my dd was freaked out bc I was so dizzy that I was weaving while I ran. 

But I did it.

I kept going even if I was barely moving.  I will not quit.  I will see this through.

Checking In

Well, I took almost a week off because I thought my calcium was crashing.  Come to find out-it wasn't.  It is higher than it has been in several years.  That's good news because the running could have sucked it out of my bones causing problems.  So, yay!

The bad news is that my thyroid is very low.  VERY LOW.  So, I had to take some time off to let my body rest and get some more sleep.  I have gotten a new prescription and hopefully it will start working soon.

In the meanwhile I actually ran today.  I completed Week 4 Day 3.  It was a warm up and then running for 3 minutes, walking 1 1/2, running 5 minutes, walking for 2 1/2, then repeating the whole thing.  It was soo hard but I did it.  I felt like I was running through mud.  I did it though.

I still haven't lost any weight.  I am upset by that but I am trying not to focus on that and just focus on getting healthy.  I was reminded that muscle weighs more than fat so it could take a while before I see any changes on that front.  I am noticing that I can run for longer periods without collapsing so that's good!

I will keep woggin(walking and jogging put together) and maybe someday I can actually run a 5k all at once! heehee

My Week

Well, it's Friday and I am happy to say that this was a pretty good week. I worked out everyday this week except today. I ate well with small portions and drank my water each day. I can feel small changes already like when I'm walking up the stairs. I am not trudgeing up the stairs feeling the weight of my weight; I am going up more easily and quickly. Plus, I lost 5 pounds this week! I know some of that was/is water weight but I'm okay with that. :-)

I am well on my way to losing that 10 pounds in two weeks.

This weekend we are going to spend time with family for Easter and if I can make it through that without overeating I'll be good! lol

Baring it all

Can I be real? I mean really real. Embarrassingly real. If you don't like TMI then I would suggest you stop now and move on to a different blog. ;-)

See, here's the thing. I don't like the way I look. No big surprise there. But it goes beyond that. I don't like the way I look naked. At all. I hate it so much in fact that I avoid being naked or even partially undressed with the lights on. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror when I am getting ready to shower or when I am dressing for the day.

It makes me so sad to see the way I look. I remember the way I looked when Steven and I met and then I wonder how he can want to look at me now. When we met I was a size 6(at most) or so. I quickly lost down to a size 2 by the time we were married. I was dancing and quite frankly wasn't eating well. If at all. I was super thin and I still thought I was fat. I vividly remember lamenting how fat I was even though my ribs and hip bones stuck out. It was a sad place to be only I didn't realize it at the time.

Time and life causeed me to gain weight. I have lost it several times but it always seems to creep back on. I know that it is at least partially due to my mental and heart attitude towards myself that is the problem.

Now that I find myself in need of losing 50 pounds again I have to wonder how a man that is visual by nature can even think that I am appealing. Do you know what I mean? I don't doubt my husband's love for me but I find it hard to believe that he can look at my body and find that attractive enough to want to be intimate. See I told you it was personal!

Does anybody know what I am talking about? I don't even want to see me naked so why would he? I am so embarrassed by the bulges, cottage cheese, stretch marks, and general flabbiness that I would rather him not even see it. Let alone touch it. I just can't believe that he loves me that much. Ya know?

I know that I need to trust him with this but it is hard. It is so hard. I wonder if he wishes for the way I used to look. And then a paralyzing fear that he can't stand the way I look now overtakes me and I feel even worse about myself. ugh

Can anyone relate?

Great Start to the Week

As promised, I have started in earnest once again. I didn't get started on Sunday. Instead I chose to rest as much as possible before the kids came home. I did watch my food intake, though, so that's something. Right? Of course right!

I also decided to check in every couple of days to keep myself accountable for working out. Feel free to send me a note and ask me how it's going if you don't see an update for a few days. Sometimes we all need a kick in the sixth point of contact!

On Monday I worked out for 30 minutes, watched my portions sizes, and drank between 72 and 84oz of water. I did not get enough sleep last night. Just about 4 hours. :( I have to do better with that tonight.

Today, I worked out for 45 minutes! Woohoo!! I exercised control over my portions and have just over 72oz of water for the day. I also scrubbed my shower for 20 minutes. I am so counting that towards my workout time for today. heehee

My muscles are sore from re-starting my workouts and it feels good. I only wish I would have started sooner so that I would have lost more weight in time for Easter. But, I didn't so there's no point in moaning and groaning about it.

This is where I am now and I am choosing to go down a different path from here on out. Anybody else out there working out? How ya doing?

Reality Check

I really hate it when reality invades my nice little dream world. You know the one. It's the world where I really look like the picture in my head and I can pick any clothes I want to off of the rack and they will fit. Any style, any size. It is a wonderful world that I love living in.

Today the bubble burst.

It was quite disheartening. It made me sad. I am pretty sure that I went through the stages of grief right there in the dressing room. I didn't actually break down and cry, but I really thought about it. As I was looking in the mirror, reality was seeping in and breaking the myth.

I SAW myself...truly saw myself.

On the one hand I wish I hadn't. But on the other hand I'm glad I did. Because, it gave me a new and urgent reason to get my butt off the couch and moving. Seriously moving.

Come tomorrow morning I am starting my new goal of exercising every day. I am not going to set myself up for failure by saying that I have to work out for 45 minutes every day, but I am going to purposely work out every day. I have an elliptical, a treadmill, a step bench, the Wii, more workout videos than I can count...I should be able to find something to do!

My goal is to lose 10 pounds in two weeks. Yup, you read that right. 10 pounds in two weeks. More if I can manage it the right way. My ultimate goal is 20+ pounds by June.

I want to be able to go on vacation and wear shorts with confidence. I want to wear a sundress and not worry about my arms showing.

I want...to be healthy.

So, here goes. I am choosing to live with the ugly reality that I see in the mirror. I know that that image is not who I am, it is not me. But it is what I look like. And I don't like it. But the only person that can do anything about it is me.

So I will.

Ugh, Again

Well, it seems that I have done it again.  I haven't posted in, well, a long time.  Last week I had Bronchitis-again.  I was pretty sick and in bed most of the week.  I am glad to say that the previous problem I was having with my intestinal track has relieved somewhat.  (heehee on the choice of words!)  It is not completely fixed but much better.  :-D

I haven't exercised at all.  Unless you count coughing as exercise!  We had an extra child for the weekend and I was chasing after her for two days.  Other than that-nothing.  :(  ugh

I have come to another aha moment though. 

I call it "Why I quit watching Biggest Loser"

I used to love that show.  I still do, mostly.   However, after watching the show I found that would get depressed and down on myself for days afterward.  Everyone sees it as such an inspirational show but it is depressing to me.  I see the people on that show and they are losing amazing amounts of weight and having huge successes and that is great.  Really it is.  But it is not reality.  They are in the gym for 7-8 hours a day with personal trainers and professional nutritionists to help with their food...what do I have?  Not that, that's for sure.  I just have my little own will power and a kitchen full of food that the Biggest Loser people would probably throw away.  I can't keep watching this show.  When I see them losing 10 lbs a week and I lose nothing, it is...ugh, awful. 

I know, I know, it's not fair to compare myself and my life to theirs on the show but I do.  I can't help it.  And when I don't lose any weight in a week I get upset with myself and quit.  How is that helping me?  it isn't.

So, I quit watching it. 

I wish them all well and am glad that they can lose the weight and change their lives.  But it is just not reality. 

Now, if they made a show about moderately overweight, lazy people that lose weight only a few pounds at a time over an excruciatingly long period of time with too many setbacks to count then I'm in! 

not so great

this week has not been going well.  I am not exercising...except the two hours shoveling snow tonight...and I have no motivation to do otherwise.

I am in a funk.

I have gained back a bit of the weight I just lost and I can feel the old lethargy and pessimism creeping back up in me.  I need to just do the next thing.  Quit whining and crying about it and just do it. 

For me.  That's what it comes down to, doesn't it?  Do I think I am worth the trouble? 

Good question.  Tonight my answer would be no.

That's not the right answer, though. 

I am worth it.  I am worth it because I am created by the Most High God and he deems me worthy. 

so tomorrow begins the struggle again.  and there will be a struggle because i refuse to give up.

Exercise?

Monday I didn't get up early enough to exercise.  Why you ask?  Because my youngest woke me up before 6am.  She was throwing up.

Oh yeah, you read that right.  Here we go again. 

I was planning on staying home from our homeschool group until the very end when I have to direct the choir/play and she was just going to come and sit in the room.  That is until, she decided to throw up every thirty minutes.

Steven came home so I could go.  Isn't he sweet?

I got my exercise when I had to run around like a crazy woman getting them to their correct staging and then again later when I was teaching the choreography to the dance captains.  I was sweating by the time I was done! lol

Today the exercise came in the form of shoveling the drive-way so that Steven could get back home.  It was so deep that he couldn't have driven his car up to the garage! 

Hopefully tomorrow will come and no one will be throwing up!

A girl can dream, can't she?

Yay!

I got up early and worked out today!  Yay!  It has been a while.  I think we are through with the sickies for now and I am looking forward to working out on a regular basis again. 

That is if I can move tomorrow!  heehee The problem with not working out for a while is that you start all over again with the so sore you can't scratch your nose feeling. 

That's alright because it will be worth it.

Oh yeah...I almost forgot.  Steven and I were walking through Wal-mart the other day and I said that a top was cute.  He asked if I wanted to buy it and I had to think very hard about.  I decided that I didn't want to buy any more clothes until I had lost ten more pounds.

So, my new short term goal is 10 lbs to be gone.  Then I will buy one new outfit, a top and pants.  I can't wait because they will be in a smaller size than I am in now.  I am getting excited just thinking about it!  lol

Another sick week

Well, this week has heralded two more sick kids.

And me.

ugh

I feel like I was hit by a mac truck.  I am barely moving let alone exercising!  It has been about maintaining. 

I did get my box from Denise with my Jillian DVD's and so I am going to have try them out in the next few days.  I'm starting to feel icky from not working out! lol

What a week!

Last week was the final week for our Fit Mommy Challenge and guess what?  I won!!  I really did!  I couldn't believe it.  I am so excited I can hardly stand it.

Then, Sunday night our second oldest got sick.  Not just the I feel puny kind, I mean the throw up every 30 minutes all night long kind.  I got to be up with her-all night.    She continued throwing up the next day until mid-morning.  The next night she was having night terrors and didn't sleep until well after 1am.  Neither did I.

I finally got a full night's sleep last nigh.  But I haven't exercised at all this week.  Unless you count the extreme muscle control it took to not throw up with her!

I also haven't really been eating well this week.  Actually I haven't been eating much at all.  I have been too tired.  I made homemade fettucini alfredo last night and tried to overeat but it just made me sick to my stomach.  The thought of having all that food in my stomach was so unappealing and I couldn't do it. 

Although I haven't exercised this week, I am feeling pretty good about my choices.  I haven't snacked on all the junk food that was left over from our last Christmas and I haven't just sat around eating mindlessly bc I was tired.

Food is fuel.  That doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable, it just means that its first use should be to fuel the temple not to 'make us feel better'.  Food will never fill the empty place in our souls and hearts.  It wasn't intended to.  It was intended to give our bodies energy so that we could fulfill the plans God has for us.

Hopefully that plan for me will not include anyone else in our house getting the stomach flu! lol

Ugh

Well, it's Thursday and I have only worked out once this week.  :(

Why, you ask?  I have had the stomach bug.  So not fun.  I am feeling better now, but not up to snuff. 

I'm just hoping that I will feel better by tomorrow.  Beings that it's Christmas and all!

Sweet Words

I forgot to post about what my brother said to me on Thanksgiving.  He asked me if I had lost weight!  It may not seem like a big deal, but it is.  It means that people can tell!  Or at least some people anyway! lol  I just had to add that bc it was so cool.  :-D