Can you say, "Give up?"

Oh I can.  I have.  I did.

I gave up as you can see from the non posting for the last year.  I gave up on many different things but most especially on losing weight.  Oh, there was a push in January for about 4 weeks and I did lose some weight but it didn't last.  There were several attempts throughout the year but they all failed.

Why?

Because I am lazy.  I really am.  I want things handed to me on a platter.  I don't want to have to work for them.  I took for granted the years of being skinny and thought it would always be that way.  now, I can't seem to change my mindset and see that I am the fat girl now.

In my mind I am still a size 6 not a 12.  I am still skinny not fat with rolls on my tummy.  I can still wear all the clothes I want to-in my mind-and I don't struggle with my confidence.

but then I look in a mirror and I am faced with reality.  But it doesn't affect me enough to make changes.

Because I am lazy.

I need to change that.  Desperately.

I need to change that for my kids so they don't learn to be lazy and expect to get the things they want.  ugh  I just want to be skinny again.  :(

Wow and not in a good way

I would like to say that I can't believe that it has been so long since I have posted over here but I actually can.  Life has been crazy but good here.  I wish I could blame not working out and gaining weight on having a new little one in our house but I can't do that either.  She sleeps well and is on a great routine.  No problem there.

The problem lies within me.  I think I have given up.  I really want to lose weight and get in shape but just can't seem to get it done.  I hate the way I look and the way I feel but evidently not enough to do anything about it.

And lately I have to ask why even try.  When there are people that always have to point out the things that you either haven't done or haven't done well...why even try.  Ya know?

If you couldn't guess, I am not in a great place with this right now.  I am struggling and don't really have anyone to talk to about this in real life.  so I quietly go about the day hating myself for being so weak and fat.

I need some inspiration and some encouragement.  I need...something.  I just don't know what that is.  

This is my Not Smiley Face

Two  Fridays ago I forgot to check in with my Fit Mommy's Group.  I didn't really have anything to say because I sort of fell off the wagon.  Then when I forgot to check in, the following week went downhill even further.  I have been sliding down the slope of self-pity. 

That slope is a slippery mess that tends to snowball on you until you are wallowing in the slime at the bottom with no hope of ever getting back up. 

Depressed yet?  I was.

I could feel the weight coming back on plus the extra five for that time of month and that makes for a very depressed unFit Mommy.  My pants were getting tighter and I could feel the energy draining from my big toes.  I was a mess.

Then tonight sitting in the bathtub trying to read my book, the water sloshed over me and it felt wrong.  My stomach jiggled and it hit me.  This is my fault but it is not hopeless.  I am where I am because I have lost focus (again).  I let my focus slide from Christ and becoming what He has called me to be-a healthy, physically fit whatever the size individual that loves Him, follows Him, and tells others about Him. 

I also focused on the big picture instead of the baby steps.  The big picture is a little depressing.  I need to lose 50 lbs.  That is a lot and seemingly un-doable.  I let that stop me from trying.  I let it control me. 

Tonight, the baby steps came back into focus.  Exercising-one day at a time.  Control my portion sizes.  Drink my water.  Doing my Bible Study daily.  Getting enough sleep.  Those are things I can do, one day at a time.

So, I am going to bed tonight happy.  I did my workout while Steven and the girls were at Bible Study.  While I was sitting in my bath, God was prompting me to get out and workout.  I knew that I would be even more unhappy with myself if I didn't.  So I did. 

It feels good.  Tomorrow I will continue with those baby steps and pretty soon there will be progress to see and feel. 

I can't look

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day for the Fit Mommy Friday Challenge and I am more than a little nervous.  I have been working so hard this week and I don't think I can bear it if the scale hasn't moved. 

I really need the scale to show some downward movement.  Really.

If the scale hasn't moved I might have a break down.  I shouldn't be pinning my hopes on the scale tomorrow but I am.  I really need this positive affirmation that what I have been doing is working. 

Even a little.

Okay, Really?

I worked out yesterday with the Wii Fitness Coach and she kicked my hiney!  I felt great after working out and was proud of myself.

Until...

I weighed myself this morning and I gained three pounds. 

 AAGGHHH   

Can you hear me screaming? 

Oh yeah, there's crying too.

I am seriously not happy about it.

I am going to keep doing what I know I should and ignore the scale.

Easier said than done.